literature

Suspire

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Literature Text

She bites her tongue in self-disgust as she traces the words "I love you" down her arm compulsively, (she no longer knows how to say anything else) and runs his white shirt sleeve across her lower lip to wipe away the blood.

It's 3 hours until midnight and she's watching them,

in her bed.

*

There's still a thin film of dust layered across her skin from when he brushed the ashes of her citadel off his shoulder. She knows there's no putting the pieces back together again, not with the smell of his cologne in her nose. Her mosaic walls a soft powder beneath her feet. She doesn't try.

She walks.

*

The cliffs of Ireland cannot win against the sea she says, watching the surf crash beneath her bloodied toes,

and neither will he.
Been working on this one off an on for the past week. Like the first part. The rest of it needs some revising I think.


Suspire
v. -i. breathe; sigh. suspiration, n. suspirative, adj.


Edit:

!GwenavhyeurAnastasia pointed out some issues, and this is my first revision.
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beleave's avatar
"she no longer knows how to say anything else" is awesome. i recommend going down some magical realism paths with that.

"in her bed" needs no separation (not even commaO from the line preceding. in fact, to me, it makes it weaker, straining for such attention.

the ending is nice.

the middle contradicts the first part. i think the line "she knows there's no putting the pieces back together again" needs to go bye-bye.

(maybe try to use the fact that the sea by its lonesome does not defeat the cliffs of Ireland, the sea and its eroding tide and whatnot are powered by many forces: the moon, the wind, the seasons, et cetera: perhaps a parallel can be drawn 'twixt that love can / cannot --depending on your perspective / direction / point in the story -- be defeated by its lonesome)